Oh yes awefull persons we are no, if we cry, we're pussies. If we apolagies for something, we're stupid, anything just anything why can't anything be right. Why can't I be happy, do you restrain me from my happiness, why do you always do this to me.

oh I didn't mean that. All I want is just to be happy. Please let me just be happy. I am trying my best I swear why can't I be good for you, why is everything so selfish.

I am going back to my real comfort place, journaling sucks dude.

Something that randomly struck my soul was that one sentence a friend of mine told me "truth be told he doesnt deserve to be living rent free in your head like that" regering to my ex wanting to have sexual intercourse with me but me not wanting it and him forcing me ( by making me feel bad if I didn't ) to give him head and jerk him off. He even tried to rape me but it kept freaking me out so much so I kept pushing him away until he started talking, not to say sorry but to gaslight me into saying that he wasn't trying to do anything to me. You know who you are Rick. N.

But what happened is what happened and even thought I have PTSD from it I now have a loving boyfriend who actually take cares of me. Even though I will still have flashbacks from the things my ex did, I shouldn't let it control my life. But saying this is so much easier than just letting to and moving on. It has been 2 years and I still can't stop thinking about everything he did. But him being an awefull person doesn't define me.